There is always a down side to trying to be healthy, and that is when you take a detour from the route down which you are heading into a chip shop. That's where I found myself today. It has been a long day and I couldn't face the prospect of cooking when I returned home, so instead I nipped to the local chip shop and grabbed a bag of chips. I also grabbed a beer. It's horrible being honest sometimes, because you can't run from it, you have to stand and face yourself and tell yourself that you have, to an extent, failed to live up to the high expectations you have set yourself.
Being honest means that you look yourself in the eye and come clean about everything and don't leave out bits that might not paint you in the best light. But only through doing this are you able to learn the lessons. By not hiding you can look at where things have gone wrong and move on. Or at least that is what I normally tell myself. However, if that were true, why do I still keep making the same choices at least once a week? Is it weakness that I have? Am I not really learning any lessons?
The thing is, I have been completely on track until tonight and I have been extremely proud of myself and the way I have rejected junk and embraced the healthy lifestyle. I have walked over 67,000 steps so far this week, eaten very little junk food, had no takeaways or alcohol and have felt really good.
And then there was tonight.
Obviously I have to move on and get on with it. But that doesn't stop me from being extremely disappointed in myself for having the chips. I have to admit, I really enjoyed them and I did stop when I was no longer hungry, rather than being stuffed (my usual scenario) but that doesn't stop them being full of fat and carbs and calories; it does not stop the beer from also being full of calories (again, no matter how nice it was).
So where do I go from here? The same place I always go, I suppose, onwards and upwards. But this time I can't help adding 'until the next time I fail' because this seems to be a recurring theme. I also wanted to be really good this week because I know I am going away from three days during half term, so will be eating out and having a takeaway, as we're going with friends and I want to relax. So I had planned on being a little unhealthy during those days. I hadn't planned on tonight.
I know I can't keep beating myself up, but I will be gutted if I haven't lost the 4lbs I wanted to lose this week because I have tried so hard. Obviously I shouldn't be trying, this should be beginning to come naturally. However, having lead a rather (ok, maybe extremely) unhealthy lifestyle for the last 20 years, I know it's going to be hard to kick habits gained over a lifetime. So, I suppose, I should cut myself some slack and try and put things into perspective.
I know I'll be back on it again tomorrow and I won't falter for the rest of the week. I also know that I will keep this up for as long as I can, but now I want to be able to say, "No!" even when I do want to say yes and have been good and everyone else is having whatever they want. I managed it with smoking. Watching everyone go outside for a cigarette was torture during the time I was giving up, but it got easier as time passed.
Hopefully, then, this will also become easier with time. Well, let's face it, there was a time not so long ago that I was eating 4 or 5 takeaways a week! Oh, and racking up an amazing 4-5,000 steps a day. So to go from that to a takeaway once a week - and sometimes once a fortnight - is a good thing, isn't it?
Additionally, to go from drinking a 4 pack of beer a day, with a whisky at night (triple normally) to one beer a week is also pretty good going. So maybe the moral here is yes, be disappointed in yourself, but also remember how far you have actually come. Remember to be positive and see the strides forwards you are doing as well as the steps back.
Because, let's face it, as long as you are taking more steps forwards than back, you're going to be making progress.
Thanks for reading.
Stay strong. Stay honest.
Sean.
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