This week has been a week of failures. I would normally call them blips, but they are failures because blips you learn from and I don't seem to have learnt an awful lot this week as I continue to make the same mistakes. From about Wednesday onwards, with the arrival of the donuts from my brother in law, I have had those (obviously), eaten rubbish, had a takeaway and now had beer. I could look at the positives and say that the portion sizes have not been what they have normally been, but that would simply be making an excuse as to why I should take this as a blip.
And I can't do that.
I have to own up to my failures, or I won't stop making the fails that have kept me fat for this long. I won't accept that I am failing and need to change something to make sure that i do not fail, that I will succeed. I have to face that harsh reality or I will simply keep making excuses as to why it was fine to eat the donuts; why it was fine to have the takeaway, why it was fine to drink the beer. And it isn't. If I had lost all the weight, was slim and working out and doing regular exercise and this was a treat, I could take the positives and work with it. But this is two weeks into getting back into it, I should be much more focused and determined rather than falling at the first hurdle.
I have been asking myself a question today: why am I doing this? There isn't a complicated answer, I want to stay alive and live long enough to see my daughter graduate from university, see her get married, watch her raise a family and all the things parents want for their kids. If I continue holding this weight on my stomach and eating crap, I am lowering the percentage of that happening. So then I have to look at what I am doing and ask myself another question: if I am doing this, then why am I not sticking to it? I already know it is going to be hard; I already know that my brain is going to rebel against it and I know how it will because I've been doing this for over a year. I know the messages it will send me, the temptations it will try and talk me into having: but if I am not going to commit...then why do I bother?
The whole idea of eating healthily, of exercising, of slimming down, this is what I want to do. It's not something that is being forced on me, there isn't an evil villain from some movie with a gun to my head telling me I have to eat healthily and to exercise otherwise they will kill me...it is a decision I came to and something I actually want to do. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be unfit. I don't want to eat and drink things that are going to diminish my life expectancy. I want to be able to run a marathon. I want to be able to be muscular and trim. I want to be able to not be ashamed at taking my top off and people seeing me. I want to not have man boobs anymore.
This is why I am doing this. This is why I decided to start and to keep going.
So my mantra, the thing I will repeat to myself (if I start to wain) is, 'if you don't want to do this, don't. If you do want to do this, then do it' - it's either one or the other. I can't, as my mum would've said, have my cake and eat it. I know what I have to do, I know what obstructions are lying in my way, I know that it will be hard, so there is nothing stopping me apart from me.
When I weigh in again on Monday, I know I am going to be heavier than I was at that point last week, I have eaten too much rubbish and been unhealthy enough to know this. I know that my exercising has reduced the amount that I will have put back on, but no matter what, next week has to be different, it has to be what I need to do. There is no want or not want, I am fat and unfit and I NEED to get rid of my weight and start to take care of my body.
This is now.
Thanks for reading. Remember to stay strong and stay safe, no matter what.
Sean.
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