Why is it that, no matter how many times I do something, I never learn the lesson of it?
I have lost count of the amount of times I've told myself to remember to eat during the day. To ensure I do my own pack-up so that I have something to eat during the school day? So often, I think, that it's become second nature. And yet still I don't do it and go to school and not eat all day. The upshot being that I am more tempted to eat rubbish because of this, and I know this because each time I have...and that includes today!
When I make the pack-ups for the next day, I often tell myself that I'll simply have something from the school canteen instead, knowing that I'm lying to myself because I know that I work every lunchtime. I know I won't eat anything, and that by the time I get home all I want to eat is rubbish.
So why do I do it? Why do I self-sabotage?
Perhaps it's because, subconsciously, I am finding it incredibly hard to find the time and motivation to stick to the new healthy eating habits. There are so many distractions and things I want to eat, that sometimes it's really easy to convince myself that just one won't hurt, or this time I know I can cope with not eating for 10 hours, or just a couple of beers will be fine. Maybe my learning now is that I am not learning because I am not being honest with myself.
I already know that it is mentally exhausting keeping up with everything, managing to do all the things I have to do with the short amount of time I have. But maybe this is also an excuse; maybe I am lying to myself far more than I thought I was?
If I am, perhaps now is the time to stop lying, to start being brutally honest woth myself and own up to how hard it actually is and how much I am actually eating and drinking. Perhaps, if I do that, I can stop using excuses and start to get back on track.
Therefore, I am going to need goals. I have two in mind at the moment...to lose some weight each week and to keep a food diary and reflect, honestly, on what I am eating. I know that this is going to add even more stress on to my already busy schedule, but I cannot think of any other way of doing brutally honest in terms of the food and drink I consume.
I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself or there's no point to this. I have stayed under calories this week but I have not eaten healthily at all or taken the dog out for a walk in the evening, which I told myself I would. I know I have had some long days, but that shouldn't stop me from being healthy...that's a choice.
As it is also my choice to stop lying to myself and be as honest as I can, because only through honesty can I face myself and make the real changes I want. Hopefully i can find the strength to do it.
Thanks for reading.
Stay strong. Stay honest.
Sean.
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