There will, it seems, always be excuses as to why I eat crap and drink alcohol: I'll continue tomorrow, one or two won't hurt because I've exercised a lot today, I'll eat crap this week then get back on it next week...the list is endless. I have used them all and continue to use them on a daily basis. And I won't lie, I am going to continue to use them until Monday because we have family round (socially distanced in the garden) for a campfire, eating marshmallows in between biscuits and also alcohol. Yesterday I had a couple of beers and a chippy for dinner. Saturday we are kid free for the first time in 6 months (whereas we normally are kid free every other weekend) and have planned a meal out and a trip to the book barn. There will almost certainly be unhealthy eating going on and, to be fair, I am looking forward to it.
To be fair, the heat and sunshine hasn't helped, but even then this is an excuse. The heat isn't in charge of what I put in my mouth or what I drink. It also doesn't tell me what to buy from the shop or control what I think. However, I do feel that emotions do, and the heat has made my willpower wane, as I sit on a sofa and feel like dying because of the humidity. I have literally not wanted to do anything, so even cooking has been a chore, so the quickest and easiest dinners has been the norm in our house and this has also been adding to the pounds I have been quietly been piling on again. Still an excuse, I could cook healthy food if I'd wanted to but I didn't want to.
Having talked about my struggle in my last post, lots of people on healthunlocked.com have given ways they have managed around the heat, which seems to increase as the day progresses. Some have said to split up the day and exercises within the day, which I think is great. Also creating meals in the morning and evening and freezing them so that you can make the quick meal without much fuss...also a great idea.
Also my emotional state has made me eat more. I have to admit to being depressed over recent weeks and my anxiety and stress levels at the amount of work I still have to do before work hasn't helped, but I will not make this an excuse. For a month now I have lost my way and I need to get it back. I know that I am still anxious and stressed and my wife knows this more than anyone...they do say that you take out your frustrations on those you love the most and sometimes I think that my wife must love me more than anything with the amount of snappiness and anger and mood-swings I have gone through over the last few weeks. She has also had to keep the house going as my lethargy and lack of energy through depression has made me a bigger burden on the house than I should be. But I will not use this as an excuse, even though I have.
So what does all this mean, why all the honesty? Firstly it means that I have, again, beaten the depression. I am absolutely sure that it will be back, it always is, you never truly beat depression, but I always know I can beat it in the end. Perhaps the lockdown finally got to me...but not any more. This morning I looked in the mirror and was shocked at how much I had changed from 4 weeks ago, when i was really beginning to see the effects of my journey and now I feel like I am back to square one. I'm not, I am still a stone down from where I began, but I am not where I was 4 weeks ago and so that has to be put right first.
Therefore, today, I will put together a plan and figure out what I am going to do to get back to where I was 4 weeks ago as quickly as possible. It's good to try and get there quickly, I think (although others have told me not to) as I can really force the issue and push myself to my limits, which is what I thrive on. I already know that this weekend will be hard to start, so Monday is my starting point. It will help me to put the final touches to my plan and to start to really motivate myself.
The good thing is that I am keeping up with my exercises. The bad news for my body is that, from Monday I am going to be upping my game. I have a lot of reading and planning to do to get me back on track, but I know that I can do it. With the support of my wife and of those on health unlocked, I will get back on track ASAP. I hate that I have gone backwards, but I have to put that behind me and look forward to the future. As long as I do that, there is still nothing I can't achieve.
I hope that I haven't disappointed the people who have been reading my blog trying to find inspiration: just know that if I can fall this badly and still get up, dust myself off and get back on it...so can any of you.
Stay strong!
Thanks for reading.
Sean.
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