I have one more day before weigh in day and I have been wondering whether I have lost any weight this week. It seems that, no matter how good I am and how much I stick to my daily calorie intake, no matter how much I stick to my exercises, no matter how much I walk I still get to Friday and wonder whether or not I will have lost. I have no idea why this is. Perhaps it could be that, throughout this journey, I have been constantly up and down in terms of weight that I still think that I have not done as well as I would have hoped.
On the other hand, perhaps it is my nature to think of the worst case scenario just in case that worst case scenario comes to fruition. Would I be less disappointed in myself if I already knew that I wasn't going to lose weight this week? Maybe it's a negative part of me that I have to look at and try to figure out why it's there, where it came from, how to get rid of it?
I know that I have stuck to plan this week. I know, also, that I have exercised every day and walked at least 14,000 steps every day but one...and even that one was only a couple hundred below. And yet I dread and am excited about standing on those scales tomorrow morning. So much so that I am contemplating doing more exercises tomorrow before I weigh in! Why? Why do I have this never ending voice in the back of my mind telling me I haven't done as well as I think I have? Why do I pander to those pieces of self-doubt that makes me think that I have done far worse than I absolutely know I have?
Don't get me wrong, I am an extremely positive person and I know that theses fears are irrational; that whatever happens I will be proud of what I am doing because I know that I am changing and that I am far healthier now than I have been in years. But I also know that I will still be standing before the scales tomorrow morning with a sinking feeling and part of me not wanting to go on them.
Once I am on them, I am fine. I know whether or not I have gained, maintained or lost and I can process the information and then make a plan to do better next time. Once I have stood on them I will be fine, but it's standing on them in the first place that scares me to death. I know that I will be waiting there, standing before the scales as if it was a holy shrine and my feet are not worthy to touch it, and simply not move. I will run through scenarios through my mind and run through whether or not I may have underfed my calories on to MyFitnessApp.
But I will step on, and I will see my weight, and I will make a plan wether I have lost or gained. I don't know whether anyone else goes through those same feelings of angst before weighing yourself, asking whether you really were as good that week as you'd said you were. This is something I have to work on and get through. A piece of emotional baggage that I have to leave at the airport and not ask for its return. I have to walk out, free of the baggage and be free of it for good. That is a part of my journey that I will have to work on. Physically and calorie wise I am there. I am in a habit and I am building on that completely and winning. The emotional side of it, the worry, anxiety, self-confidence - this is my next focus. If I can find a way to help ease my fears, to be able to cope with them and learn to know what they mean and how to deal with them, then I will truly be at the place that I want to be.
I will be looking in to the emotional baggage that hinders weight loss and healthier lifestyles and how to combat it next week, as I need to be able myself to combat it; or at least know what it is and find a way to understand and deal with it.
Here's to whatever happens at the weigh in!
Until tomorrow, stay safe and stay strong.
Thanks for reading.
Sean.